Chances are if you’ve landed on this blog, you might be struggling in your relationship with your child or teen in some way.  You might feel like the relationship is broken, or you are past the point of connecting with them any time soon. When they were younger, they would come to you for everything, but now… it almost feels like they avoid you at all costs. This disconnect is bothering you more than you thought it would, and you never imagined you’d be in this place with your baby. What happened?

When they come home from school, they isolate themselves in their rooms or spend all of their time texting or talking to their friends.  Since they are constantly glued to their device, you try taking it so that you can spend more time with them, which results in them getting more angry at you and shutting down even more.  How are you supposed to break this cycle of arguing and defensiveness?

The teenage years are in probably the most vulnerable stages in the developmental life span.  Teens are dealing with peer pressure, social media, bullying, hormones, finding their identity, balancing life and responsibilities, and so much more. It is often that they don’t have learned effective coping strategies yet, and so when life throws them a challenge or obstacle, they are not equipped to handle it. What happens is they either struggle internally, or when they reach out for help, they don’t get the support they need.  So often we are seeing teens feeling rejected from peers and even people in their support system.  This pattern leads to the usage of ineffective or harmful coping strategies- such as the development of an eating disorder, self-harming or violent behaviors, suicidal ideation, and more. The goal as parents is to build strong relationships with our teens so that they feel empowered to come to you instead of seeking and not receiving effective help elsewhere. Below are some ways that parents can connect with their teen to strengthen their relationship and communication:

1.      Own up to your mistakes.  Just like you call them out for their mistakes, they want the same from you. We are all human.  Parents aren’t perfect.  Your teen will respect you so much more if you can own up to that, move on, and try not to do it again the next time.

2.      Spend time together and actually listen to them.  Set aside time in your busy day to “schedule” quality time together. Don’t assume what they want to do, ask them.  Some examples could be making dinner together, baking a new recipe, exploring somewhere new, going for a walk together, shopping somewhere, going for a drive, etc.  When you are spending time with them, be intentional.  Ask open-ended questions instead of yes/ no questions to spark conversation. Encourage them in what they are excited about and ask follow-up questions. In my work with teens who are closed off or withdrawn, I always try to find something that sparks joy for them and get them talking about what excites them. In our busy schedules, we are often telling teens what they should be doing vs. listening to them and their needs. Therefore, we miss our moments to connect.  Try and set a reminder to make these dates or hangouts with your teen regularly, such as weekly or monthly at a certain time.  For example, every Tuesday you will go on a walk together at 3:15 pm.  Put it on the calendar and stick with it!

3.      Find the reason behind the behavior.  If your child or teen is acting out, chances are there is a need that is not being met.  This is where parents a lot of times fall short: finding the reason behind the behavior and what the teen is getting from that action.  Sure, we can get mad at our teen for doing something they are not supposed to do or breaking rules.  However, sometimes when parents get upset, rightfully so, they end up missing the opportunity to see the meaning behind their teen’s choice or behavior. Teens are very attention seeking, and often seek attention in a negative way if they are not getting that attention positively.

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For more resources or assistance with strengthening your relationship with your teen or better understanding your teen and how they are functioning, reach out to us today and set up a free consultation or first appointment for beginning therapy for your teen.